If you are newly entering the dating scene, it can be difficult to get out of your own head and stop being sexually selfless in bed.
Are they enjoying my body? Do my boobs look saggy at this angle? Is my vagina wet enough? Are they having a good time eating me out? Am I taking too long to cum? Am I a better lover than their ex-wife? Do I smell ok?
Can anyone relate to this line of thought?
When I was with a new lover I used to spend the whole time thinking about what was going on in my partner’s head, instead of laying back and enjoying the sensations and the experience. It can be difficult for some folks to learn to stop being sexually selfless in the sheets. This is particularly true with a new partner or when someone hasn’t been with anyone new for a long time. However, once you make the shift towards sensations and away from selflessness, it can make sex immeasurably more pleasurable. Go ahead – indulge in a little bit of selfish sex!
All geners can experience sexual selflessness. However, women are particularly likely to think of sex in this way, as something that they give to a partner. There are a few reasons this may be the case. First, there is the sexualization of women. It is hard for a woman to think of themselves as deserving pleasure. Especially, if they think of themselves as an object to be viewed. As well, women are traditionally raised to please and not be too demanding in their persona/demeanor. It may also be because female pleasure can be more biologically complex. For instance, it’s easier to fake an orgasm as a woman because female arousal can be less visual. Regardless of the reason, a little bit of selfishness in bed will make encounters much more satisfying for both parties.
How do we become a more selfish lover?
Learn what feels good
The first step in becoming a more pleasure focused, selfish lover, in bed is to learn about what turns you on and how you like to be touched. What this looks like is not immediately clear to everyone, nor the same for everyone. It also can change as you age and your body changes.
The best way to learn what feels good is to play with yourself in a number of different ways and assess. Do you prefer to be touched on your clitoris or inside your vagina? Is it a slower and more gentle touch that turns you on, or harder and faster penetration? Do you enjoy the feeling of a finger inside your butt? Once you play around and learn what feels good, it will be easier to show or vocalize to a partner what you like and dislike. I often tell clients to write a list of five things that turns them on and share it with their partner to get the conversation started.
Remember, your partner wants to please you
It is important to remember that the person that you are with genuinely wants to make you feel good. Yes, sometimes it can be easier to fake a few moans than to explain exactly how they can please you. However, genuine pleasure is much more arousing for both parties. If you aren’t fully into it on some level, your partner can tell, as your body reacts in an amazing way when you are truly aroused.
When you spend most of your life being sexually selfless, it is hard to make the shift towards the role of selfish lover. Remember, you deserve pleasure, and it can be seen as very sexy when someone knows what they want and are able to ask for it. It takes some practice to learn to express your desires. Like many things in life it is a continual process of learning and improvement, but trust me, it’s worth the work.
Niki Davis-Fainbloom, MA is a NYC based sexuality writer, educator and coach. She has lectured at Planned Parenthood, New York University, and The United Nations. She writes articles for a number of magazines including Pornhub, Future of Sex and the Insider. Her goal is to help people develop the skills to have healthier, and more satisfying romantic and sexual relationships. You can follow her @nikidavisf